Every now and then, Jon will suggest we do something crazy… things like giving up Dt. Coke, eliminating sugar from our diets, or giving up all processed foods. At almost 40 years old, my perception of “crazy” isn’t what it used to be. I’m pathetic, I know. So, I usually shoot him a look like a bullet, roll my eyes, and give him a distinctive “ummm, NO.” I have been slowly giving up Dt. Coke, but I’ll go to my grave eating sugar. I ain’t gonna lie. And as much as we try to avoid a lot of processed foods, it’s just not practical or economical for us to avoid ALL processed foods.
So, you should have seen my face when Jon suggested we do a 3-day detox plan. I indulged him and listened to him explain the phases. There was a lot of NO this… and NO that. All I heard was you can’t eat anything you like or want, you will be incredibly miserable for three whole days, and you will most likely want to kill someone, if not yourself. Then he got to the benefits – improved energy, clear skin, and some other things I missed because I was already mourning the very thought of losing caffeine and sugar. Then I lost my mind and agreed to do it.
Did I mention he wanted to start the detox on the same day we had planned to start potty training Drew? Or that my menstrual cycle was due to start during the same three days? Someone was surely going to die… and I warned Jon that the odds were not in his favor. He was willing to risk it, so we went to Kroger on a Sunday night and stocked up on a lot of fruits and vegetables, which is basically the only thing we were allowed to eat for three days. No meat, no dairy, no breads or grains, no sugar, no caffeine, etc. Potatoes were on the approved list, thank the good Lord. At least there was something with substance.
On our first day and I woke up with an average amount of energy to start the detox. This is what we had for breakfast. There’s another green version that wasn’t bad either, but it looked like a glass of vomit.
To be honest, it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t what I wanted… but I wasn’t miserable. Plus, I had a burst of energy afterwards… I cleaned the bathroom and even exercised! During the morning, I snacked on raw almonds, grapes, and other fruit. At lunch, I sautéed some red potatoes, peppers, and cabbage.
During lunch, we were both feeling pretty positive about how things were going with the detox and were encouraged to persevere to the end. Then came 2:00pm. I call it Satan’s hour… if not for the sheer magnitude of the temptation, then for the fact that I felt possessed. I have never wanted a Dt. Coke or a Reese’s so badly in all my life. Now I completely understand why people steal and mug people for their crack fix. I was real close.
We needed some things from Wal-Mart (like a small potty chair since that was proving to be a challenge). We had to all go together because I could not be trusted to venture out on my own during the detox. If I were alone, I’d be sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot, downing a box of Ding Dongs. I’m classy like that.
This was dinner.
By the end of the second day, when I wasn’t dreaming about what I was going to eat when it ended, I was starting to feel the benefits. I was sleeping better, waking up with more energy, and wasn’t as hungry all the time. I also noticed that my body didn’t ache and felt more limber. The whites of my eyes were clearer too. And, I lost 3 lbs the first day. The thing was actually working!
Of course, it ended and we celebrated by cashing in our Groupon to the Pfunky Griddle. I had French toast. Sigh. I kept telling myself that the detox had changed the way I would eat. That lasted for about two days and now I’ve undone every bit of good achieved by doing it. When will I learn?
I’m going to go and think about it for a while and get back to you… and try not to eat a Reese’s in the meantime.