general / Married Life

Redneck or Resourceful, You Decide

I’m a Southern girl. As much as I try to downplay the drawl or overcome the accent, my true colors always shine eventually. If there’s one thing I can appreciate about my upbringing, it’s that I was always taught to do things myself, which has made me quite resourceful.

For the past five years, I have been sleeping on this amazingly comfortable, queen-sized, pillowtop mattress set. It was a luxurious upgrade from the 30-year-old, full-sized set I’d had since my teenage years – the one that now serves as our guest bed. Anyway… a couple of months ago, I noticed the mattress was bulging out on Jon’s side of the bed. The support had given out in an area about the size of a small pillow. Basically it was a sink hole and I didn’t realize Jon had been sleeping in it until several weeks later. My side of the bed was perfectly fine, mind you, so I wasn’t thrilled about the prospect of losing the mattress… but I do love my husband, and I couldn’t imagine letting him continue to sleep in that hole.

Once the New Year started, I began to clean and organize the house and decided we needed to do something about our bed. I knew we couldn’t afford a new mattress right now, so I was beginning to resign myself to the thought of going back to the old mattress set… knowing it was smaller, less comfortable, and that I’d be forever pushing Jon’s elbows out of my face at night. I shared a bed with my two sisters until I was six and I peed the bed a lot. I’m territorial, what can I say? But, bed-wetting is not an issue I’d like to deal with in marriage… or as an adult.

I stripped the bed down to take it apart, when the thought struck me to just cut the pillowtop off the mattress and put it on top of the box springs. It wouldn’t be as comfortable, but at least it would still be a queen bed. The mattress was useless anyway, so I didn’t feel bad about taking the scissors to it.

I cut the pillowtop off, separated it from the rest of the mattress (which was just a foam frame full of springs), and placed it on the box springs. Even less comfortable than I had imagined. So, I did what any southern girl would do when you’re trying to make your cut up mattress more comfortable – I went to Wal-Mart… ’cause let’s face it – Wal-Mart is your one-stop shop if you need to redneck something up. So, I bought two rolls of mattress foam to place between the pillowtop and box springs. Still didn’t measure up to the luxury of the intact mattress, but it was doable. We slept on it for two nights while the mattress frame sat in our home office, waiting for disposal.

Once I got around to dealing with the mattress frame, I decided I would just rip out the springs and cut apart the foam frame to make it easier to throw away. It basically looked something like this.







I started pulling the springs out and realized each spring was glued to all the surrounding springs. It occurred to me that the problem with the mattress happened because two rows of the springs had come unglued in the “sink hole spot.” Well, I could fix that! I grabbed my Gorilla Glue (cause I’m cool like that) and glued the springs back together. But then I realized the mattress no longer had much support since I had cut off the top, which would help hold the foam frame in place. People… I only saw one way to save this bed. Duct Tape. Don’t judge me! I’m from the South – I’m good with guns, a hammer, power tools… and apparently with Duct Tape. I didn’t use plain Duct Tape. That would just look tacky. I got the fancy kind… white, so it would blend with the mattress. I do have standards, people! Once the glue dried on the springs, I wrapped Duct Tape around the mattress in four spots, put it back on the box springs, plopped the pillowtop back on it and BAM!, we’re back in business. I’m still waiting on Mensa to call me.
















That was a week ago and we’ve been sleeping sink hole free. I almost threw away a perfectly luxurious bed! I’d be embarrassed if I weren’t so damn proud of my resourcefulness. Sure, we’re sleeping on a Duct-taped bed… but I can live perfectly rested with that.


4 thoughts on “Redneck or Resourceful, You Decide

  1. What a funny story to read just before I lay down on my 25 year old mattress. I was thinking how much I need a new one, but tomorrow I’m getting me some scissors and tape. I may be calling!

  2. Love it! As a true southern girl myself I firmly belief that there is nothing chicken wire and some duct tape wont fix. In fact I may just go try to fix my pillow top mattress now. Mike’s side is forming a sink hole. Why is it always the husband side?

    • I’m beyond peeing in my bed, too! But I almost peed in my pants laughing at your resourefulness!! I’m so proud I have a resourceful (not redneck!) Southern daughter-in-law!!
      Love you!

  3. Good job Jbo! It’s that kind of resourcefulness that made this country. Wait, I don’t want to blame you for anything you’re not responsible for (like the Kardashians)…
    I don’t even know what I mean by that.

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